And I thought it would start to get better………………
But alas it started to snow and I decided to take the more populated route home. That is taking Route 1 south to Danville and then taking 74 West to Champaign……..traffic was moving at a cautious pace – normally slow drivers send me into a rage but today I had given myself an hour and 40 minutes to make my hour long trip so I was calm, listening to music, making a few phone calls – on the hands free Bluetooth of course, and generally remaining cool, calm and collected.
Until traffic to a complete halt on 74. I put my hazard lights on and looked in my rearview mirror where a Smart Car was approaching – I assumed that I would not even notice it if that Cabbage Patch shoe ran into the back of me – it was the semi behind that that had me worried. The semi stopped thus creating a buffer between me and the end of the line so I was pleased by that and put my car into park.
I did actually look at a few emails then – and one friend popped in stating to avoid 74 due to the report that just came out about a terrible accident --- too late!
I sat on the interstate, with the car in park, for 45 minutes. I began to wonder what would happen if I had to pee……………..I decided that I would simply get out and pee beside the car but first I texted a friend to make sure bail money was on hand in case of an arrest for public urination. I was assured that cash would be readily available if I was cuffed and stuffed for that minor infraction so once again my mind was at ease.
I called some people, I texted with several, I sang and then I ran out of water. I am one of those people that can go hours without drinking (I know that is not healthy and that if you wait until you are thirsty to drink you are already dehydrated) but the minute it is brought to my attention that I have access to no water I become immediately parched. So then I had to rectify that issue in my mind – and fresh snow was falling and I had an empty drinking vessel in the car so I could go out and scoop snow into that…………..a friend I called also suggested I could pee into said cup --- but I’m a girl and that is just messy. So then I began to wish for a penis – that took me on a bad tangent since I am undateable I don’t get much penis action so there is really no point in thinking about them – except for peeing which would be incredibly handy- I am sure that all my male readers have by now, either touched or at least smiled at their own dick. Good for you – I would do the same if I had one.
Then another friend I was texting sent me a couple of disturbing yet well written Donner-esque texts --- “Day 13: supplies are low. A group of us have considered eating the lesser caravan members. What have we become. I do hope the cold settles our hunger but I fear that my brain is being poisoned by the desires of my stomach. Morale is no longer a factor…….”. I actually found this quite amusing – and I’m a sucker for good writing! There were two other similar texts about Day 22 and Day 47.
After 3 hours and 41 minutes I finally got home – normally the commute is just under an hour. Happily friends were over, dinner was made and wine was poured. Somehow we got on the topic of joints – the ones in your body not the marijuana cigarettes – and so thinking of my hip I proceeded to tell them that my labia was all torn up. I actually meant my labrum – which is soft tissue in the hip joint………..I must have still had penises on the brain, and perhaps a wistful memory of someone tearing it up down there……………
Ah well – tomorrow is another day!
Hey, by the way – has anyone looked into this show called Undateable – I think I should audition!!
The Gym Bytch